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The Little Red Ferret

Creative outlet of the perpetually anxious

My dearest friend

My dearest friend,

For all the times I screamed,

For all the times I cried,

For all my stubborn moments,

For my not so nice side.

For all the angry outbursts,

For spoiling Sherlock Holmes,

For my bad temper,

For ever leaving you alone.

For any terrible advice,

For moments ruined by me,

For ever taking you for granted,

For those times I never let it be.

I give you all my love,

I give you all my heart,

I give my unwavering trust,

And a promise to never part.

I give you my good advice,

I give you my free time,

I give my never ending support,

And a promise to be your partner in crime.

I give you my friendship,

I give you my hopes and dreams,

I give my unfaltering honestly,

And a promise to never be mean.

Yours always.

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Featured post

I am depression

And then sometimes I remember that I am the depression, it is always in me.

Spirals

Life sucks then you die,

What’s the point of living a lie.

I feel the spiral tighten in my chest,

Like a knife slicing open my breast.

A beast from in roars with pain,

As I try to remember that I am sane.

I can no longer feel anything…

But the numb of it all.

What life is worth living without meaning

Grey sombre clouds fill the sky as a weary milase sets into my bones. Misery loves company they say and not for the first time I hope you are as miserable as I. I sit at the table with my mug of tea pressed into my hands for warmth, it’s not cold but I feel a shiver run down my spine.

Empty is my heart on days like these, when no hope or warmth or light can be seen. I try to fill my life with new adventure and friendships but my loss is deeper than just a person or a life I once had. I question my resolve to do what I must, what I need, to find out who I am and what my purpose is. I am drowning in the expanse of the unknown, the directionless life without meaning.

I look out the window and see a gleaming ray of sunshine pierce the dark clouds before being swallowed up again. A brief moment of light in an otherwise dark day, a brief reminder that hope is there even if we can’t see it. I finish my tea and stand, today has just begun and I will face it with the same steely determination that I always do and continue to strive for a life with meaning.

Running

I run and run and run.

I set a steady pace.

I hear my foot falls on the pavement.

I feel the rush of wind on my face.

Run faster I urge myself.

Run faster from the pain.

I run and run and run.

Till I do not feel the same.

Tear tracks run down my cheeks.

As I run away from my life.

I cry out in sadness.

Pain rips my chest like a knife.

Stop I yell into the darkness.

I cannot take another step.

I fall upon the concrete.

Panting, shaking, out of breath.

I feel a hand on my shoulder.

I look up into the light.

As you pull me to my feet.

You whisper don’t give up the fight.

Keep on moving forward.

Even if it’s at a run.

One day you will notice.

That the running is done.

The One

Some times we meet the one early in our lives and think that that is it, this is what we have been waiting for. Others wait a life time to only spend a short time with that one and then it is all taken from us. Then there are those who find it, leave it, remember it and come back all the while thinking the one is coming when it has already been.

I often wonder of all the ones that might have been, I don’t think there is just one in all of time and space that exists just to meet me or know me. That is a kin to thinking that the world revolves around you and that is just self centered. Instead I hope that I meet someone whose life will be better from having me in it and visa versa.

All we can ever hope is to make our small meager existence slightly less shit by being around those who brighten and warm our lives and do so for them in return. What a joy life would be if we just lifted each other up and expected nothing in return, because even if we do find “the one” who is to say they would feel the same in return.

The Giver

I give and give and give till I cannot give anymore. I’m the giver of the group, of the relationship. I never know when to stop, to take a breath, to just take…I don’t know how.

It’s hard to be the giver some days, when you know not what to give or how to help those who you love. I try to see everything from their perspective and to think what they need to support them, assist them, heal them.

I give until it hurts and then when I can’t give anymore I lose myself in the barrage of self loathing. Why!? Why can’t you give them what they need? Why can’t you keep going? Why are you even here if not to give? What are you even worth if you can’t do this simple thing?

Who are you if not the giver? “You are no one.” My subconscious whispers, “You are nothing.”

The Something In-between

When I can’t sleep at night I stare out my window at the light polluted sky, where no stars can be seen and I imagine you doing the same. We see the world differently but sometimes it’s the difference that is the same. When you touch a nerve that others have never seen and don’t understand, when your passion out weights your sense, when life is about the moments in between the moments -that’s when you find something.

You hurt so good that I wonder if I’m being a masochist when I go back for more, you hurt like I’ve always wanted a good break up to feel like but never want you to leave. Why must I always be numb; to ache and feel, to find you in the mess of it all. Why can’t that be the way things go, why can’t there be something in between.

I love the way we bait and taunt and tease until it hits home, till we can no longer take it. Every part of the way we are is like living in a constant, considered and creative argument that never gets boring. Life is certainly never boring with you but boredom breeds from life and eventually everything gets boring. I seldom feel that there is anything in between.

Sometimes I stare out my window and wonder about all the somethings in between.

LRF

Short but sweet

I’m usually one to write about life, love and long lists but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about what I really want for this blog of mine. When I first started this blog back on Tumblr I wanted to be successful and have lots of opinions about everything but this really isn’t something 1) people wanted to read and 2) got a little boring after a while. Since moving to WordPress I think it’s time for a bit of a change. I added a few pieces from my Tumblr to give a bit of a view of the content that I loved and to add some substance to my page (I can’t stand an empty blog).

So I’m going to write lots of somethings that are different not just one style but many. I love advice, lists, poetry, stories, reviews and the list goes on. I love to write and write I shall! Even if no one reads it, which should never really be the goal.

Do you have a blog or love writing? Let me know in the comments and I will check it out.

LRF

Adulting

While browsing the internet I noticed a hefty amount of blogs and vlogs out there dedicated to How to Adult. I love this concept, and to those of us in our mid to late 20’s that are now realising that we have officially become adults we have no idea what this means or how to be an adult. So having this handy source of information, spelled out in language that we understand, is great!

However while watching these videos and reading the posts I noticed one thing. Many stated that taking responsibility is the biggest part of becoming a functioning adult and while I do agree that it is part I’m not so convinced it’s the biggest part. Now I’m no expert on adulthood but my experience of transitioning from young adult to adult the biggest part for me was letting go.

I found myself unable to do or wear or say the things I was so use to, instead I had to be more sensible, more restrained and more conscientious. Staying out till all hours of the night in a tiny dress barely able to cover my ass while wooing at the top of my lungs, was far behind me and when I realised that I was happy with this, almost relieved, I was shocked. Who had I become, my mother? I was going to bed at a reasonable hour, eating healthy, not drinking so much and spending my time enjoying…farmers markets! (Though these days that’s not so shocking…what with the Hipsters and all.)

Like so many people in my age bracket (25-30) I have a lifelong partner, a house with a mortgage and a steady fulltime job. To an extent it is these things that make a person want to grow up and become an adult, you have graduated from that young miscreant to a person someone else relies on. Some of us reach this point in our lives relatively early and others much later but at whatever point in your life you make the realisation that you are now an adult, it’s hard to let go.

Nevertheless here’s a tip for anyone reaching that point, while letting go of those old habits that have no place in your life now, never let go of the kid inside. Be an adult, take responsibility and let go of that misspent youth but keep hold of the inner child. Love the things you’re passionate about! If it’s baking, gaming, comic books or cartoons, building forts or Nerf guns, wrestling, bad action movies or Disney, all these things and many more still count so keep hold of them. Love that inner kid and treat yourself to a little childlike fun.

Because being an adult is hard, there is no denying that, but it sure as hell doesn’t have to be boring!

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